Abuse is defined as any action that intentionally harms or injures another person. The greatest form of abuse is a father who uses his power to control or manipulate his child.
“Weak men act to satisfy their needs, stronger men their duties.”
― Nassim Nicholas Taleb
A clear indication of unresolved trauma is a person’s ability to easily lose control and abuse their power. These behaviors are represented in the interactions we have when disciplining our children and often go overlooked.
They have become normalized.
It is a horrible situation when we unknowingly put our children in abusive positions and demand they obey. The sympathetic nervous system is triggered, and a person’s standard response would be fight or flight.
The problem with this reaction is the parent and child relationship doesn’t allow for a normal response. Children depend on their parents for basic needs like food, shelter, and clothing, so their instincts kick in, and they do whatever is needed to survive.
Since a small child is at a considerable disadvantage physically, they have no other choice but to surrender. It begins a process where the child will hide who they are to protect themselves.
Stockholm Syndrome is real.
Many people praise their parents for their mistreatment because they were forced to sympathize with their abuser. They will openly admit that they warranted harsh criticism or they deserved to get physically beat. This will have a permanent effect on all future relationships with others.
Things improve with awareness, and we are capable of making changes right now in our lives. We can only get growth if we examine our weaknesses.
Growth starts from within and it transmits to your family.
Are you hitting your child?
Do you frequently talk down to them?
Do you use bribes to get what you want?
Do you use punishment to make your point?
As a child, when you display resistance to an unhealthy family environment, you are seen as a threat. Any unresolved traumas the child may be facing becomes a problem, and maturity is not embraced. Your parents don’t want you to grow because it makes them uncomfortable.
This would force your parents to start evaluating themselves. This should not be neglected when examining your own life.
We see this so often when a child is labeled the “bad one,” or that child doesn’t fit into the family system. This is where the problems start, and the child learns that he is not worthy of parental love unless he complies. The child will erase his real self to fit into an abusive family.
Most kids grow up and are stuck in this web of insecurities and self-doubt. Once there is growth, you begin to realize your father is only human, and the treatment you received as a child represents all of his weaknesses. He never reached out for support or did the work needed to improve.
As you grow and dare to break away from the abuses, you become distant from your parents. The distance is greater with your father because you are seen as a threat once you become this stronger person.
You now have the courage to question your childhood and all the negativity you endured. The yelling, rejection, criticism, and contempt. You now can try to understand why your father did not step up to those challenges. You begin to recognize those negative qualities are not you and will not define who you become.
If you are a father, there is always time to begin the repair process.
If you want a childhood better than the one you had, you must be honest. You must understand where the weak behaviors come from and how you have been conditioned as a child. This is not about blaming your parents, but rather seeing where they failed so you can improve.
Anytime you have the chance, tell your parents you love them.
Start becoming more aware and tap into your unconscious thoughts. To become strong, you need to know where the work needs to be done. You need to embrace your weakness and find your blind spots.
You want to start taking steps to create a healthier family structure. This can be challenging, but it is the only way to grow.
As a man, you become aware of the areas you need to work on and never blame your children’s emotions. You face these challenges and embrace the things you formally disliked about yourself.
It is incredible and terrifying at the same time to go down this path. When you are an adult, the situation completely changes. Many men are trying to unfuck themselves and are willing to do hard work in becoming stronger.
Unlike your childhood, you start to align with men who share similar values. At this point, you are willing to walk this path to become the greatest version of yourself.
You form bonds based on honor, respect, encouragement, and truth.
They seem foreign at first because, as a child, your growth was denied. When you craved attention and acceptance, it wasn’t there, and now as you are amongst men who walk this path, you begin to understand its power.
We all want our children to grow and become great human beings. The key is to be aware that when they experience growth and become self-aware, they will cut off those who negatively impacted them and hindered their growth. Fathers need to be mindful of this and make sure they live with moral standards with how they treat their children.
The future doesn’t have to be about discontent and resentment. You have to examine if you are treating your child correctly. Making sure you are doing the work to build a healthy and functioning relationship with your children.
The truth is it will show up in the future. I see so many adults in pain when it comes to interactions with their parents. The ones who hide this pain try to be nice but always become angry.
You cannot hide from it, and it will haunt you for a lifetime.
Be aware and be conscious of how you affect your children. Saying you did the best you can is an excuse from a position of weakness.
Do the best you can, and stop making excuses.
Through hard work, dedication, and honesty, I have been able to change my circles. I am in the company of great men who are doing the work to raise the standards of fathers, husbands, and all men.
You can find them here – The Fraternity of Excellence.
Being apart of this group has helped me improve many areas of my life, and for me, it exhibits the example that fathers need to start practicing in their home.
Suppose we showed our sons and daughters how important it is to be authentic and have the people around you accepting of that person. Even if your child is not on the level you want, you encourage and inspire them to raise the standards in themselves.
Higher standards can only become a reality if, as a man, you live your life by those same standards.
This creates strong fathers who build strong families.