There will be things that happen in your child’s life that you cannot control.
They may experience traumatic events that alter how they see and feel about the world.
Focusing on what you can control will give you an advantage in helping your child navigate challenging times. Children instinctually want to be connected to their father, but traumatic experiences alter their perception of who they can trust.
One of the biggest violations of breaking the bond with your child is using physical violence as punishment. Most fathers think there need to be consequences for misdeeds, which usually results in spanking.
Since hitting a child is widely accepted throughout society, most parents don’t question the possibility of negative outcomes. They don’t question what they’re doing and that there could be better ways to discipline their children. Physical violence becomes a common way to inflict pain on children when their parents disapprove of them.
These abusive actions alter how the child views your relationship.
When you physically harm another person, they behave differently. When you inflict pain onto a child, they have to adapt and change who they are to please the abuser. Since they’re dependent on their parents for survival, the child must learn quickly to survive and suppress any pain from being abused by those meant to protect them.
The child will create a part of themselves that is unnatural or exaggerated to avoid pain. They will learn to lie and withhold information so they will not be attacked. They understand real quick how to live in the company of abusive and controlling people.
Have you ever wondered what went through your child’s mind when you hit them?
At first, they will resist and speak up against the physical harm, but they learn they are powerless over time and will be agreeable to try to minimize the abuse. We see this play out in movies all the time, where someone is kidnapped, and eventually, they stop resisting their attacker. In time they figure out they need to be nice to the maniac who is torturing them. They completely change their behavior not to anger the abuser and even pretend to sympathize with the abuser (Stockholm Syndrome), so they stop getting attacked.
When babies are born, they need nurturance, attention, and lots of care to survive. As they grow, they start to explore and become curious about the world around them. They are picking up signals about what is tolerated by their caretakers. This bond of dependency is one of the most over abuses of power in the animal kingdom.
No other mammal treats the young the way humans do. A wolf knows that for its pups to survive, he must teach them to be safe, learn how to hunt, and ultimately take care of themselves. The wolves do not add any abnormal pressure or stress to hinder the pup’s development.
Human parents inaccurately think they must introduce pain into their child’s life for them to survive. These parents are completely out of touch with nature and themselves.
Like I said earlier, kids want to survive, and since they are powerless to defend themselves against constant threats, they will hide what they feel and think to minimize the aggression. They learn to be fake and accept they’re powerless.
If they show who they truly are, people will try and break them.
You aren’t making them tough; you are making them invisible.
When you remove physical violence as a tool to parent, you can find better ways to discipline. Unfortunately, many parents will start to use other destructive methods like manipulation and bribes.
Most parents keep looking for ways they can control the child’s behaviors. It becomes a power struggle and a constant form of stress. Instead of looking for ways to improve, they get defensive and harm the child.
The lesson learned is to love your enslavement and fear your freedom.
Instead of embracing the rebellion in your child, you work actively to suppress who they truly are. There is a deep sense of rejection until they show you what you want to see. One of the easiest ways to achieve this outcome is with emotional manipulation.
Showing your child you like them best when they’re invisible is not parenting; it’s abuse. It’s another way the parent’s unmet needs from an abusive childhood will negatively affect the relationship with their children. A dysfunctional family feels the pain but doesn’t know why it’s there.
Do not set the stage for your child to have a life filled with the misery of unresolved traumas. Teach them to be confident and secure by showing them every interaction is a time to build them up rather than breaking them down.
Fatherhood is an opportunity to connect.
Remove physical violence and stop manipulating your kids. It’s not easy, but you have it to make changes and assess your parenting strategies honestly.
When you focus on all the negatives, you live in trauma. The constant worry your kids are unsafe and the world is dangerous becomes the family mantra.
When you focus on the positive, you can begin to help your kids become the strongest versions of themselves, and the world is theirs for the taking.
The goal is to raise confident children that are the product of confident parents.
The pain you feel as a father is passed down from the traumas you endured, but they don’t control the future successes of your family.
If you need help with creating more peace in your home, schedule a meeting with me.
