How do you know if you’re parenting correctly?
There is no one way or correct answer, but we should be continually asking ourselves this question as fathers.
We often say kids need consequences. They need to be accountable for their actions, and if they misbehave or act inappropriately, we should intervene. I mean, how else can they learn essential life lessons if we are not forcing them with a wooden spoon or bribed by a sweet treat?
Obviously, that was a joke, but too many children are manipulated, physically abused, and tormented to obey arbitrary rules by their parents. Abusing your children for the sake of them not embarrassing you is another topic.
The truth is you can’t be forced to learn. At least you can’t truly capture the authentic spirit of motivation if you are being threatened or bribed.
So why do we expect the consequences we impose on our children to be effective if we can’t accept the consequences of our actions? We are simply reliving our past traumas through our children. Rarely do we hold ourselves to such high standards, and often we demand saint-like qualities from our kids.
By now, you can see the hypocrisy of this thinking.
In the same way, you vengefully want your kids to feel pain (for their own good, of course), you need to be held accountable for your actions. By taking this responsibility, you open up opportunities to heal and improve through awareness.
By avoiding the unresolved pains we endured from childhood, we risk passing unhealthy behaviors down to our children. Not being honest with ourselves allows the cycles of violence and abuse to go unresolved in families.
We would rather have a helpless child suffer negative consequences than examine our motives. Never allow yourself to be fooled by excuses and avoid responsibility for your fatherly duties.
Do not inflict punishment on your children for their incapacity to navigate this complex world.
It is much easier to attack or pick apart your child’s personality flaws than take responsibility for your role in the relationship. You must go through some level of pain to achieve personal growth, and that pain is yours that you need to own. Never should it have to be dealt with by your children.
A man who avoids pain will undoubtedly take his frustrations out on the weakest of his tribe. This man cannot be trusted because he has lost faith in himself and will lash out at the very ones who depend on him for survival and safety.
Maybe you know this man or notice that you have become this man because you make excuses for lack of self-control. You administer punishment and discipline anytime your child goes through discomfort or pain. You will do anything and make every excuse to avoid the flashbacks from the pain and torment of your childhood.
See, this abuse that we commonly see from fathers is not from a position of power and strength. It comes from a deep-rooted sense of fear and insecurity. It explains why most men take the easy path not just in parenting but all areas of life.
To physically abuse, ignore, neglect, and force a small child to obey you is weak-minded and destructive. This is not the behavior of a good man and a man who takes pride in the value he brings to his family.
How can we raise children of good character if we do not show them the best examples? If we always take the easier path to handle our frustrations, we display weakness to our kids and family.
For this cycle of abuse to be broken, you must do the work to improve and push past the pain. It is painful when you fail at this leadership role, but worse when you accept it as something you cannot fix.
Never let this victim mentality infiltrate your mind.
Never let your mind be so easily overtaken by fear and doubts.
We all see the women walk by in the red dress who grabs our attention only to distract us from reality.
There are reasons why your attention is quickly captured and your thoughts easily manipulated. For the world to carry on with dysfunction, there need to be constant distractions and an overwhelming denial of truth. We fail to see the things that keep us trapped because we have become passive and weak-minded.
Our society has a destructive pattern of administering abuse to its children and denying any future negative consequences. We doubt what research says because of political brainwashing, and terms like “follow the science” become parodies. We become entrenched in irrational emotions because it makes us feel superior to those lost in their own warped ideologies.
We have lost our identity to uphold the evils of the past.
Why do we so easily impose harsh consequences on our kids?
When our parents never met our necessary needs from childhood, we subconsciously demand our children to fill this void. The obvious is the father who pushes his son to be a better athlete than he was. He submitted to his father’s demands and never experienced a real passion for pursuing an authentic life. He is terrified his son will do the same, so he demands his son do better without fixing himself first.
Not only do parents attempt to live through their children, but they will blame them for being born because having kids altered their life. Could you imagine living with another person who believes their life might be better if you weren’t born?
It is painful for a child to live up to standards based on their parents’ deficiencies. We owe it to ourselves and our children to continually improve and become the best father we can be.
The love from the parents should never be based on conditions; for a child to thrive, they need unconditional love and acceptance.
Your actions have profound effects on who your children become.
If you need help with creating more peace in your home, schedule a meeting with me.