There are many reasons why a father will struggle to accept the realities of the relationship he has with his children. It can be overwhelming to find acceptance when your constant desire for authority is creating continuous conflicts.
It will help if you compare any immoral behaviors to the standards in all the other relationships you’ve come to value in your life.
It takes a courageous man to look at himself and admit he is not using the best parenting methods.
You can get trapped in traditional parenting ideas that guide you to unsatisfactory results and inevitably cause more pain between you and your child. You will resort to punishments or rewards to maintain your authority. This never works and is ineffective because it destroys any attempt with communicating and problem-solving. It creates an untrustworthy home full of dishonesty and deception.
Your go-to parenting phrases are now “I’m doing this for your own good,” “Because I said so,” and “I’m the boss.”
Phrases like these should be seen for what they are, lazy and mean. As men, we should call out other fathers who resort to such weak language and encourage each other to be better.
These are conversations most fathers don’t have and often avoid because its extremely difficult. Sometimes this causes pain, and sometimes it makes you doubt your mission, but it is necessary to create long-term solutions.
By becoming a resilient father, you drastically increase your chances of raising resilient kids.
I’m doing this for your own good.
When you were younger, the primary parenting systems were rarely thought of as being solution-based. You learned not only to avoid conflicts but to see those conflicts as something you could never win.
Through clever manipulation, you were bribed with rewards or conditioned with punishments. Parents think these are positive lessons they are reinforcing on their child, and will continually believe their kids will thank them later in life.
Of course, you know what’s best for my child, don’t you?
The truth is kids learn to think by letting them think!
Knowing what’s best requires commitment. Have you read all the latest parenting books, followed advice from the experts, had open conversations with other fathers about similar struggles, or even asked your kids how you are doing as their father?
Are you teaching them to think critically?
A reliable way to get honest feedback and improve as a father is to go directly to the source. Your kids will not give you answers to complex parenting problems, or how to set up a bitcoin wallet, but hopefully, with some guidance and honesty, they can express how they wish to be treated.
Asking your child how they think you are doing as their dad will create trust and acceptance.
It is easy to divert responsibility for your actions and blame it on an underdeveloped child. It is hard to own your actions and be committed to making changes that will have a positive influence on the direction of your child’s life.
I’ve noticed, fathers who complain that their kids lie or don’t talk to them are those who have used a lot of punishments to solve problems.
Imagine going through childhood with this feeling that having control was the ultimate goal, but you were never afforded this power. Sadly you grow to an adult who still struggles to control your emotions because you were always in a constant state of distress and never taught to find resolve.
Not only were disagreements frowned upon, but they were entirely one-sided. The conventional narrative I see in most homes is the father wins, and the child loses. Because conflicts were always portrayed in a negative light, you still struggle to find resolve with your kids years later.
Win-win couldn’t be more divine.
“Being but a small child, I looked toward my parents, much as a grown man looks toward God.” — Unknown
You now have insight and the opportunity to take command of this challenge and stop pushing away your child. This becomes a chance to show your child a more in-depth understanding of how life works. You have a moment where you can become closer and more connected instead of these enforced barriers that push you further apart.
The best way to raise a child that avoids the obstacles he will face in life is to show him that conflicts are unhealthy and avoided.
It is unrealistic to pretend there will be no difficulties in life, and it is entirely damaging to demand they not exist. You begin to teach your child that his preferences are not desirable because others disagree. You potentially erase a part of your child for your own comfort.
Raising kids doesn’t have to be a constant struggle. Most focus on what they are lacking or what isn’t going exactly their way. You start to display self-doubt and set the stage for a child who does the same.
There will always be challenges in life that you need to overcome, and with parenting, the principles of success stay the same. If you lack the skills required to solve conflicts, you make sure you acquire the right tools to help guide you.
No longer do we need to be held in the past. Constant threats of discipline and consequences do not fix problems. We can create scenarios in our home where you win, and your child wins, but it takes devotion and does not come easy.
If things get uncomfortable, this is the time you need to step up. This is the time you need to dig deep.
How you perceive yourself as a father is either creating you or destroying you.
I started to understand that resolving conflicts will be one of the most significant things that will determine the future relationships I have with my child.
I realized that how I interacted with my children was not about them but about my fear of losing control. I needed to let go of that control and start getting really uncomfortable.
How else was I going to grow?
I needed to take the next step in becoming a better father.
When I didn’t see changes in my home is when I began to rethink things. I was going through the motions and repeating the cycle that became familiar with me as a child.
I was not doing the right thing.
When you begin to understand that using power and authority is unethical, you will start to search for ways to influence your child that doesn’t require the abuse of this power.
I can not express enough the joy you will create within yourself and your home when you find the strength to break away from outdated and ineffective parenting methods.
You now set the stage for a life where your children understand that people who control them with power are not to be tolerated. They will seek those who offer support, value, and genuine influence on their lives.
Make sure you are the one setting that example.