How can we create and preserve a healthy connection with our children?
We need to understand a few standards that will help us get back into an acceptable role as a father.
There will always be conflicts in your home, which can bring up a lot of pain and frustration if you don’t follow some simple rules.
You should never take things personally. You are the father and the adult in the relationship, so the burden of responsibility will always be on you. This doesn’t mean you can demand and order your child around. The purpose is to take ownership of your duties as a father and not blame mishaps on your child.
It doesn’t matter how you see things. A healthy and functioning relationship always takes the work of two people. If your child thinks you see them negatively, you will not have a positive influence over them. In being a father, you make this task your top priority.
Sometimes it feels as though your child is deliberately pushing our buttons. This causes us to be reactive and lose touch with our primary role as a patriarch. We start to make assumptions about the interaction, and this leads us to increased frustration. Don’t make assumptions even when your commitment is with the best intentions.
Never take the job of fatherhood lightly. Your responsibility is to create an environment that provides your child with a strong attachment. If your attention is always on your child’s behavior, you create an environment where they feel a constant rejection. Your child doesn’t yet understand the consequences of their actions and only desires connection and acceptance.
The work you’re willing to do will be an example of how important your family is to you. When you take the time to do what is best for your child, it will inevitably bring out the best in you as a father. This is the lesson you want to preserve with your legacy.
The current system we live in has diminished the natural ability to parent effectively.
There has been a shift away from traditions and family values. Often we blame external circumstances for what goes on in our own homes, but the truth is we have not been investing in ourselves and our families. We see a massive disconnect from our children as a result.
Times have changed, and we have failed to adapt. Instead of trying to solve problems, we only add to them. We provoke our children to be defiant when we don’t consider their needs—we shutdown their natural desire to connect when we withhold love based on conditions.
How can we expect our children to be influenced by us if we aren’t intrinsically motivated to be the best father we can be?
This leads us out of our natural state of fatherhood, and our attention is ruled by fear. We waste too much time trying to control and correct our kids. We lose sight of trying to connect and influence.
Your child suffers when you act uncivilized.
You now find yourself in a system you are not proud of, and you feel helpless. Deep down, you know the best methods aren’t yelling, screaming, punishing, and putting your child in a time out, but we repeatedly do it anyway.
You are justifying these ineffective parenting techniques, not because you are evil, but you start to believe you may not be a good parent. You make excuses and push them further away because you avoided the work required to keep your child close.
Right now, your relationship with your kids should be based on trust and protection. You can create a home where your child wants to be with you and looks to be like you.
If we can accept the duty of being a good father, we can start to understand the importance of our children being dependent on us.
Every interaction becomes a time to connect instead of creating further distance.
If we value our family, we take the time to make them a top priority. We stop making excuses, we stop avoiding responsibility, and we stop putting the pressure on our kids to fit into a system of dysfunction.
Start focusing your energy and time on creating rituals that bring out the goodness in your child but also helps to bring out the best in you. Putting traditions in place will have the power to keep your kids under your influence.
These systems can not be imposed. You want to create an environment that your child wants to belong genuinely. Having family time, family dinners and family activities set aside where your children feel important will strengthen the bond.
Anytime you parent without restrictions and orders, you automatically and naturally create an attachment. These are the times when you start to build and can begin to collect your child.
Your child will now see you have their best intentions. Your influence will be welcomed, and your hierarchy preserved.
You welcome your child’s need for dependence, and they, in turn, accept that you will lead them in the right direction.
You cannot parent a child whose heart you don’t have.